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Here we go

Baruch atah adonai eloheinu melech ha'olam shecheyanu v'kiy'manu v'higyanu lazman hazeh.

This is my first post as I begin blogging through the first steps in medical transition. I have been asked by some of my friends to do this and I think it is a good idea.  I'm not really sure how this will turn out, but I wanted to give it a try.

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I write this post on the heels of a powerful action that was led by some young leaders of the queer and trans people of color STL (QTPOCSTL) group. We marched in the PRIDE parade carrying a casket and the precious names of the trans people of color that we have lost to violence this year.  Pride Inc. pushed us to the back of the parade and then upon seeing our sign that said Black Trans Lives Matter, the emcee said, "all lives matter, c'mon, what about diversity?"  We went back on the festival grounds after the parade ---- chanting and marching to lay down our demands of both Pride Inc as well as some of the other mainstream LGBT groups that marginalize queer and trans people of color. We were told to leave by the Pride staff and the police were called on us.  The police escorted us out of the festival all the while misgendering and putting their hands one me.  Anger, frustration, sadness are but a few emotions I have after past Sunday.  I am keenly aware that we have to keep existing, keep pushing back against the system and keep showing up and speaking our truth, even when our voices shake and we are forever traumatized by folks who tell us that they are providing a safe place for us.  Being who I am: Black, Trans and Jewish, is in itself an act of resistance, so I will keep on keeping on like the old folks used to say.  I have no choice.

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Today I gave myself the shot with no one in the room.  The first time, I was surrounded by my trans masculine family just after MO GSA camp.  What a powerful experience!  While I was guided through the process by my friend who is also a fantastic nurse, I had the support of my other friends in the room and I was on cloud nine!   After the big moment, I went to the mirror to see if something changed.  Of course, nothing had changed physically, but emotionally, psychologically I had changed.

A few weeks later, I was humbled with blessings for my transformational journey by four Rabbis and one minister (my partner).  It was a fantastic night with friends and family, affirming the spiritual nature of transformation and wholeness.

The second shot was with the nurse at the dr. office after hearing that my blood work came back great and given the go ahead to continue with therapy.  As one of my friends told me, having to get blood work periodically will help me keep better track of my health.  I think he is right.  It felt good knowing that things were going well with my body, especially since I have been a once a year dr. visit kinda dude for a long time.

Today's shot was uneventful and I hope they all become like that.  They kinda have to be since it will be a routine for the rest of my life.  I am happy that I can give myself and tolerate the shot. 

To date, I haven't seen too many changes.  I know it will be slow going and I am looking forward to becoming more and more of who I am.  I plan on recording myself singing the same song to track the voice changes. I've heard of other people doing this, even layering the tracks so they harmonize.  I am really stoked about that!

No going to the mirror tonight.  Just relaxing knowing that the changes I am so eager to see are coming. I will be patient and wait.

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