Peace like a river

Sim shalom tovah uv'rachah chen vachesed verachamim

I've got peace like a river
I've got peace like a river
I've got peace like a river in my soul
And it, flows like a river
And it, flows like a river
I've got peace like a river in my soul

You know how you put questions out into the universe and then you see something, you hear something, or you meet someone and your answer comes? And then there are times where you aren't asking for anything, aren't looking for anything and the clarity about a situation comes. It seems to come out of the blue but you know that is not true. It was meant to be, if only you listen.

I had the pleasure of seeing an old friend this weekend. We talked about a lot of things, but I got some clarity with him about my transition. I was telling him about the transformational experience at the Meramec river about 6 weeks ago. I went to the river to do the mikveh ritual before starting hormones. I wanted to go back to the water and immerse, pray, listen and feel. The river was high, the water was cold, the current was fast and it turns out, there was a lot to learn.

My Rebbe asked me to remember the feeling after the first of three immersions right after we got out of the water. He said it would be important to hold on to that feeling. Later in a session with my therapist, I realized what that feeling was, it was a space where I felt whole, perfect and inoffensive to anyone. I realized that I walk around almost daily not feeling that way and in that moment, I was in a space, a healing space in what felt like the womb of creation, and I was free.

Then yesterday, as I was reliving that day as I told my friend what happened, he said, "wow, that experience was just like how your life is shaping up now. You are moving effortlessly, and quickly to exactly where you want to be." How right he is! This part of the process has been amazingly easy. My doctor and nurse are awesome. Giving myself shots is easy. My job has embraced me and supports me through the transition. And, I have managed to create for myself a community that loves and supports me, affirming who I am, even when I am feeling dysphoric, sad or angry.

Today I have immersed myself in self care. I needed it. At times I get weary. Today I've got peace just like that Meramec river that carried me so lovingly down the stream to Shalem, wholeness.

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